I thought about it for quite awhile before pushing the publish button on this one. It’s so raw and so personal in many aspects, but well, this is my space after all. And I’m used to being judged by now, I guess I’ve become immune to that.
It’s been a strange time, in many ways. Change is the keyword here, as much as I hate the word ‘keyword’. Well, that’s what life has been. A year has gone by since March 2012. A year since I stepped down and stepped away. I did it because I thought it would make me happier, and I wanted time-out, respite, time to find myself again, time to find my faith again. Well. I guess I am happier in some ways. But finding faith again has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. And in short, and to be honest, I haven’t succeeded at that yet.
Maybe there’s just something comforting about status quo. Or maybe it’s just inertia. Or plain old laziness. Maybe it’s all of those things and more. I lost my heart and all that’s there now is ice cold stone. What a horrible cliché. But that’s what seems to best describe it. I don’t feel anymore. If I do, it’s mostly anger. Or a salty bitterness that sticks and refuses to ebb despite all the time that’s already passed.
I’ve changed. I know. I’m aware of that. I never used to be this easily provoked, this judgemental, this negative. Losing faith didn’t really yield the best results did it? But when does it ever. Sundays no longer mean a thing to me. I go through the routine because there is no way my parents will let me get out of it. And so every week I stand and stare at the screen, and while the songs swell and the sermon is preached, I sit and either daydream, lost in my own thoughts, or judge those on that stage I once stood on too. Or think about how I’d rather be somewhere else, how I’d rather try something else somewhere else.
Yes, I am still tempted to check out other sides of the schism. But is that wrong? Same God and what-not. And as I’ve said, there are so many things about this side of the faith as I’ve experienced that I do not agree with, that I can no longer accept. I’ve always loved the rituals of mass and liturgy, I’ve always loved sacred Latin music and chant. And I still believe faith should be about finding the path that works for you, I believe there are different ways to worship the Almighty and lately, the way I’ve done it the past 15 years of my life just doesn’t seem to be working for me anymore.
Change has happened. But I guess I want more. Because in some ways, nothing has changed. I still go to the place my parents do, I still go because my parents insist I do. It has Never been My Choice. So many times I’ve wished I had the conversion experience instead of being born into it. Because then I would have been sure, I would have gotten into it out of conscious Choice. The faith would have been my Own. My own decision for my own life.
It was Easter service today. The songs were familiar and lovely and yes they’re nice and all, but I stood and all that ran through my mind were the familiar Latin words that held a lot more for me than the lyrics on the screen. Et resurrexit tertia die secundum scripturas et ascendit in coelum sedet ad dexteram patris. That was what I really wanted to sing and not my chains are gone I’ve been set free. Is that wrong too?
There has been so much loss. And somewhere along the way, I lost even You too. I’ve had to convince myself that I still believe because so many times these lines seem blurred now. I still believe, but what exactly do I still believe in? I found myself changing my ‘religious view’ on facebook from Christian to ‘Credo in unum Deum’. Because it just doesn’t feel right calling myself a Christian anymore. I’d be a hypocrite if I let that stay on my profile. Hey, at least I know it and I’m admitting it unlike so many.
All that you rely on and all that you can save- will leave you in the morning.
Those lines have never rung truer than now. Everything’s different, I’m different. What I thought was real, what I believed would remain a part of my life forever is gone, is over. I guess I’m just going to have to find a way to accept that and find new ways of getting around it, of dealing with the Now despite missing the Then.
nobody here’s perfect oh and everyone’s to blame/ and all that you rely on and all that you can fake- will leave you in the morning
volatility. It’s a part of life, as is uncertainty, loss, doubt, fear.
everything is dark/ it’s more than you can take/ but you catch a glimpse of sunlight/ shining shining down on your face
I’ll wait for that day.
in the meantime, happy Easter- have a lovely one of one my favourite Credos, though i know it’s slightly ironic here now: